Wednesday, February 15, 2012

An Ordinary Love Story

Once upon a time there was a cow named Milly who spent her days dreaming of finding her perfect cow mate. She would sigh from time to time feeling as though her chance of finding cow love was passing her by. She didn’t have forever after all. In another 2 years she would be 4 and would be slaughtered for beef and her hooves used to make glue. Oh, how she wanted a cow lover.

Across the pasture was another cow, Timber, who too often dreamed of love and wished for a loyal cow companion to graze in the fields with him. He had briefly courted a very pretty cow once, but she had a change of heart after her owner began injecting her with rBGH to increase her daily milk production. Unnaturally high hormonal levels didn’t seem to agree with her. He wondered if he could bear being hurt again. He was delicate like a flower inside all that strong hide that would one day be used for shoes and jackets to ensure less animal waste post-slaughter.

It seemed like love would never find its way into the hearts of these two starry-eyed cows. But then one day from all the way across the grassy fields Milly’s eye caught Timber’s eye. Their eyes latched on to one another and deep inside they each let out a small “moo”. From then on Milly and Timber were as inseparable as conjoined twins joined at the spine sharing a heart, liver, one kidney and a couple colons. They grazed together; they strolled together; they rested in the shade together. If there was anything a cow could do, they did it, and together.

Timber thought Milly was the bee’s knees. She was beautiful, charming, and had this delightfully quirky gait that she had acquired after developing Mastitis from electronic milking machines that don’t allow proper resting phases from milking. Milly thought Timber was the cat’s meow. He did silly things to make her laugh and held the pasture gates open for her at the end of the day when they returned to the barn. “He is such a gentlecow” She thought. “I am so lucky.”

Surely enough though, within a few months, after they had settled into each other’s hearts and lives, problems arose. Timber had become increasingly impatient with Milly’s need for constant attention. Sometimes he wanted to be left alone to graze by himself and he didn’t appreciate her flirting with other cows when he did. He often felt as though all he did was redecorate their grassy residence and talk to Milly about her feelings. As well, her once quirky gait was not-so-quirky.

Milly too was getting fed-up with Timber’s ways. At times he was insensitive to her feelings and he was so stubborn she would have to dig her hooves into the ground and argue for hours with him to get him to admit he was wrong. Indeed she found their relationship exhausting. She didn’t understand Timber’s need for alone time either. Was she not good company? Was it her festering Mastitis infection?

Then one morning a man from the city arrived with a large vehicle to take some of the cows to the slaughterhouse. It was early in the season, but meat was in high demand and the local grocer had reported a shortage and did not want to lose business. Milly had heard about how cattle are dehorned and castrated without anesthesia and was scared of her inevitable doom. Timber had heard how men skinning cows often discover they are still alive and was scared too. Then they put aside everything that had been bothering them for the past few weeks and held on to each other tight. Milly nuzzled Timber and Timber nuzzled back. The man walked towards them, but then swerved towards some baby cows. Veal calves were what the city man had come for. “Phew!” sighed both the cows.

Afterwards Milly and Timber headed to another field. “Life is short” thought Timber. What he had found with Milly was special and rare. Maybe he could forgive her for her flirtatious nature and overlook her emotional sensibilities. As he thought this he watched Milly head to a grassy corner and decided that maybe her gait was still delightfully quirky. Milly too thought about her own mortality and decided that Timber wasn’t all that bad. Perhaps he was stubborn and emotionally withdrawn from time to time, but she wasn’t perfect either. She looked at him and smiled to herself thinking of how tightly he held her moments before when their lives were endangered.

So Milly and Timber put aside their differences and learned to be grateful for what they had found in one another.

The End. 

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Why I am no Longer a Gold Digger

Once upon a time, not too long ago, in a land not very far away, I used to base my dating selections on how well endowed a man’s bank balance was. I wasn’t interested in someone real. Instead, I wanted someone who would ask me questions like “How about this square cut diamond ring?” and “Would you like me to have this newly discovered star named after you?”

I basically wanted a fictitious creature that lived to pamper my foolish self. I figured the chances of me finding a genuinely kind and wonderful man was slim to nil based on my own dating experiences and from what I observed around me. No one appeared to be sexually active with someone they loved, or even liked very much. Seeing something real and loving was kind of like spotting a high-end designer bag in a small town; most people carry fakes, and when you finally see the real thing you doubt its authenticity. So why would I waste my time chasing after a fairy tale?

I remember the first time I considered what it would be like to date an older, rich man. I had been placed in a global merchant bank to work with its chairman over New Years, while his full-time executive assistant was on leave. I found myself attracted to this balding, egotistical, and bizarre little man. I thought perhaps it was the Skittles that kept falling out of his pockets, but later on linked it to the dopamine that surged through and fogged my brain when he asked me to book his Jaguar and Porsche for their yearly check-ups.

At first it surprised me how easily I fit in with his friends who loved it when I joined them for drinks at fancy hotel lounges. I became accustomed to it all so quickly. I never once felt out of place amongst my new older, wealthier crowd. And then it occurred to me that the reason I had had no previous luck was because I had been working the wrong dating pool. It was all too clear to me now; older men with money were what I had needed all along.

I rushed home and signed up on various millionaire matchmaking websites where men had to have their bank accounts certified to subscribe. I never questioned the absurdity of luring someone with great finances. Was this not what nature had intended? Man provides for woman. Woman nurtures man. Subconscious biological drives are assuaged. It seemed perfectly logical to me; just a mutually agreed upon arrangement where primal instincts run wild. I won't hold it against you for desiring me for my youthful waist-to-hip ratio and in return you can overlook it when I bat my eyes at that car in your garage.

At first it was intoxicating. The thrill of spending time with someone from another walk of life was incomparable. There’s just so much adrenaline and pheromones and hormones and whatevermones in dating rich older men. I sometimes wondered how I was supposed to ever go back to normal dating. In order to maintain this high level of excitement I would need to resign myself to a life of crime. But soon enough I found out that this was only a sure fire way to augment any previous damage done by silly boys my own age. The thing with sugar daddies is, they don’t exactly approach their relationships with tender loving care and the ones that do are trying to fill a void that you cannot even begin to tackle. They may pay for your champagne and lobster, but they will leave you emotionally short-changed every time.

Most wealthy people run around spending much of their time and money on plastic surgeries, gym memberships, grooming and many other fixer uppers that keep them brand spanking new beyond their expiry dates. But hardly any of them puts that kind of thought or enthusiasm into keeping things neat and tidy on the inside. As a result, most of my wealthy companions had this nervous, restless energy that mimicked the symptoms of a heroin addict in withdrawal. Their souls were suffering and I was their attendant medic at the escapist ER. All I wanted in the end was to return them with the receipt.

I have now come to the realization that what I am truly after is not an impressive savings account, but rather an impressive soul -a person’s unique imprint of their own thoughts, experiences, values, dreams, and beliefs, all contained within the body they've been provided with. If I can spot an enticing configuration of these traits they become irresistible to me. Like a moth to a flame, this is what attracts me. This is what I fall for. This is what I need. Picking pockets simply cannot compare.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Describe Your First Date

We both meet in a public place and you conveniently leave your ax at home. I leave in one piece and call my mother to inform her I’ll live to see another gay. Two weeks later we meet at a secret predetermined place in disguise as Batman and Robin (I'm Batman, obviously). We have wild unprotected superhero sex and then never speak to one another again, until 15 years later when I show up at your work with an awkward teenager peppered with acne. I tell you he's your son to which you deny ever knowing me. I make a scene in front of your coworkers and demand a DNA test to which you succumb, because I threaten to return at random for the next 20 years without notice, accompanied by small animals and lawn gnomes.

You take the DNA test and find out that the strange greasy boy is in fact your spawn. You cry. I hand you tissue. You curse. I threaten to wash your mouth with soap and water. You pull at your hair and lament to the Gods like a Greek woman. I offer to sacrifice a lamb in your honor. You ask if instead I could do away with the boy. I slap you across the face and gasp at my violent and deadly reflexes. Finally you walk over and acknowledge your son.

You look him up and down as you slowly accept your new reality. It's not pretty and it smells like Cheese-Its. I'm not pretty either. I've probably gained like 50 pounds since you last saw my once sexy figure in black leather assless chaps with bat symbols littered over the crotch region. Also, after a horrific mechanical bull riding accident I have developed an exaggerated limp. You're convinced I could play Quasimodo in a low budget musical production of the Hunchback of Notre-Dame.

You can't imagine anything more horrific than your new pimply son and the frightening return of me, the kinkiest most unforgettable one night stand you ever had. It's all too much for you. You start taking stock of your options. You can either man up and pay child support for the next 5 years or you can kill us both and discreetly dispose of both our bodies in your backyard shed, which happens to be housing an award winning collection of perennials and ferns.

I begin interrogating you on your current status and bank balance. Are you married? Widowed? Complicated on Facebook? Do you have enough bling to support my pubescent bastard? These are pressing questions and I’m not getting any younger with my hip replacement surgery coming up in July. You politely inform me you are single and financially secure. Phew!

“Don’t worry” you tell me, motioning for our son and I to sit in the back of your eerie white van.  “I’ll take good care of you. Everything will be okay.” I am relieved until I see you reveal a semi-automatic rifle from behind your back. I try to run, but it’s too late! I am now smeared across the amateur paint job inside your creepy child molester van, along with our son who screamed a full octave higher than me before taking 8 bullets in the chest.

You heave a great sigh of relief. Now your only concern is burying our bodies beside your prize winning Geraniums without disturbing them. Perhaps you could repot them and transport them inside the house for a few days. It’s definitely a good alternative to consider. After some brief brainstorming you realize what inconveniences double murders are and also how hungry they make you. After you identify your raging cravings as Mexican, you head over to Taco Bell for some bean burritos and cheesy fries. They’re delicious.

We could also just go see Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol. Your Call.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Weird Things that Turn me On

1.      Withholding Information
Nothing gets me going more than a good ol’ fashioned game of “What the hell are you thinking?”
Please don’t fill me in. I know you’ve been told communication is key to a successful relationship, but not with someone dysfunctional like me. I’d much rather allow my imagination to linger obsessively about your thoughts and feelings and even invent you an entire secret life you couldn’t possibly possess (or could you???).  The withholding of information is especially seductive when done over unreasonably long amounts of time. After I’ve relayed 10 different theories to my committee of insightful friends who enjoy guess work as much as I do, it’s very likely that my infatuation with you will have soared to new heights.  Just consider yourself a dealer and mystery to be the drug you supply me with very generously and cheaply. I’m not a millionaire here. 

2.       Disclosure
This is in direct contradiction with my previous turn on, which can be a little confusing, I know. Stay with me here. If after you’ve been a good boy and refused to let me into your chamber of secrets for a lengthy period of time, and then you suddenly become overwhelmed with the need to reveal deeply intimate things to me, I will in fact lose my mind a little. While I enjoy riddles and puzzles of all kinds, I also have a thing for exploring souls and then making myself comfortably at home in them. I will do anything to connect our hearts, including hooking myself up to an IV and mixing our blood, if that’s really what it takes. Preferably though, I’d just like for you to expose your insides to me over a magical evening of confessions and tea. But only after I’ve completed Volumes I and II on whom you really are.

3.    Compliance
Compliance is a very attractive quality in a man, especially when I need paintings hung on my walls. Sometimes I don’t want a struggle. Sometimes I just want my way and when you let me have my way it feels really good because it made more sense for you to make me happy than make my life more difficult. That’s cool. I like that. When I asked you to call at noon during my lunch break, you said “OK” and then you did, instead of calling me at 4:00 when I’m busy like an asshole. Also, when I asked you to leave the toilet seat down after peeing you took 2 seconds to do that for me instead of initiating a heated discussion on the contradiction inherent in the feminist movement. Thank you. I appreciate it. Now I would like to jump your bones.

4.       Patience and Focus
I don’t understand this whole patience thing. I’ve been told to work on my patience by asking the elderly to share a story with me and to listen without interruption till the very end. Every time I imagine myself taking on this challenge it always ends with a machete magically appearing in my hand and then subsequently my being charged with second degree murder (I became possessed, okay?). If I am able to watch you allow things to unfold without acting impulsively or if I can follow you in completing a drawn-out task from start to finish, I will become bewitched and bewildered. How did you do that? Are those superpowers contagious? Will you make me your muse? Actually, forget that question. Did you hear about what happened on the news? OMG look! A BIRD!!! Wait…is that pie I smell?? What was I saying again? Oh, yes. That’s right –pie.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Possibility Girl

Possibility Girl has many dreams. She holds them tightly to her chest and closer yet to her heart. Her dreams don’t stand a chance of ever escaping this vice grip. They’ve been given a life sentence. They were born with Possibility Girl and they will die with her. Sadly, they are not to be actualized. They are little more than figments of Possibility Girl’s imagination because they are never acted upon in a manner that brings them to light. They haven’t truly been test driven and still they won’t be given a real chance. It doesn’t seem fair, does it? Well that’s how Possibility Girl’s life is and that’s how Possibility Girl feels. It’s an unjust sort of existence and she has no one to blame, but herself. She knows this deeply and feels ashamed. At the very most she admits this to herself and no other, except her somber tears at night.

“Possibility Girl why won’t you go after what you want? Why do you live in such fear?” she laments as she chokes back tears.

She searches her heart in such vain. The answer she knows, but cannot face. She doesn’t believe her own excuses nor does she believe the ones others make for her. She can’t understand the life of self-deception she has built for herself, especially when it hurts her so badly.

Sometimes she feels she has the inner resources to combat her self-inflicted pain. Sometimes she just wishes she could collapse into the arms of someone more forgiving with the support she craves so much; most of the time though she hides from the truth. Hiding from the truth is a very consuming past time for Possibility Girl. It has involved her building a life based on falsehood and expending all of her energy defending it; sometimes to others, but mostly to herself. It’s possibly the most counterintuitive and irrational way to lead one’s life, but Possibility Girl manages to pull it off, not very well mind you, but she pulls it off. This confuses Possibility Girl terribly. How could one successfully stray so far from their intended path? How could one let such a thing happen? Where does it start and when does it end? In the dark of the night as others sleep she lays awake and asks herself,

“Self, what do you do when you know exactly what you need to do and yet fail to summon the strength to do it?

“You wait. And you wait some more.”

“But then what happens?”

“Well you just keep waiting and hope that circumstances somehow change in your favor so that they become resolved. So that you can become resolved.”

“But they don’t become resolved, do they?”

“They may. They may not”

“Well surely you can’t just keep waiting forever.”

“That remains to be seen.”

“So what you’re saying is it’s possible for someone to wait out their whole lives to be freed of their internal consistencies, but then never actually find this inner peace?”

“It’s possible. It’s more likely they’ll just waste a good chunk of their life though.”

“Well I don’t know if I’m okay with that.”

“Then maybe you should stop waiting.”

“But I’m afraid.”

“What are you afraid of?”

“I’m just afraid. No one said fear had to be rooted in anything.”

“It usually isn’t rooted in much to be honest.”

“I don’t know what else to say. All I know is that I'm afraid.”

“You don’t have to be. “

“I want nothing more than to just let go of it all. Let go of my fears. Let go of my insecurities. Let go of my ego. Let go of my expectations. Let everything go. My heart is so heavy. I don’t know if I can last much longer. This isn’t me. This is not who I am.”

“Then you must do something.”

“I wish I could, but I can’t and I don’t. Tomorrow I am going to wake up. I’m going to keep pretending everything is okay. I will tell people I’m doing well, even though I am far from well. All I can think about is the gap between the life I have, and the life I dream of and how little I do to merge the two. Boulevard of broken dreams. That is what they’ll call me. That is how I’ll be remembered. I’ll forever be Possibility Girl who sat on the edge of her Potential Glory and wasted away in self-inflicted torment because she allowed the fear of the unknown to consume her.”

“Is this another one of those lies you rot your soul with?”

“I’ve lied to myself so often I don’t even know anymore when I’m doing it. I can’t recognize the real from the fake. It all sounds the same to me now. It all is the same to me now.”

“You have the power to change Possibility Girl. All you have to do is believe and the rest will take care of itself. Just take a deep breath and believe. Believe in your abilities. Believe in yourself. Believe in the good of others. Believe that you have a compelling future awaiting you. Believe that the universe loves you and wants you to succeed so badly it will do everything in its power to help you. And if you can’t believe all that right here right now, believe that someday you will and when that day comes you won’t even notice because everything will have fallen into place. You will have fallen into place.”

But why am I here if the universe loves me so much? How could I let this happen?

There is nowhere else that you could or should be right now Possibility Girl. You are here because this is where you needed to be. Now all you need is to release your will. Have the willingness to change and surrender. Let go of your plans, let go of everything you think you need, and have faith in the life you are about to create.

I’ll do my best, but for now I am stuck here and have very little, if any encouragement that the universe has great things in store for me. No signs, no suggestions, not a single hint of a promising opportunity has crossed my path. It is only my own demise that has led me here to you.

Possibility Girl you need to expect miracles. Stop anticipating pain as you will inflict it on yourself through the very anticipation of it. Instead anticipate your wildest dreams and they wll manifest.

Why can’t you always be this kind to me?

I am. But it’s difficult for you to hear me above Anxiety and Fear. They are much louder than me for I am soft spoken and calm. If you slow yourself down and center yourself, you can be sure I will be here for you with nothing but kindness, because I love you and always will. Just never forget you are precisely where you need to be, at this moment, at this time.