Saturday, February 4, 2012

Possibility Girl

Possibility Girl has many dreams. She holds them tightly to her chest and closer yet to her heart. Her dreams don’t stand a chance of ever escaping this vice grip. They’ve been given a life sentence. They were born with Possibility Girl and they will die with her. Sadly, they are not to be actualized. They are little more than figments of Possibility Girl’s imagination because they are never acted upon in a manner that brings them to light. They haven’t truly been test driven and still they won’t be given a real chance. It doesn’t seem fair, does it? Well that’s how Possibility Girl’s life is and that’s how Possibility Girl feels. It’s an unjust sort of existence and she has no one to blame, but herself. She knows this deeply and feels ashamed. At the very most she admits this to herself and no other, except her somber tears at night.

“Possibility Girl why won’t you go after what you want? Why do you live in such fear?” she laments as she chokes back tears.

She searches her heart in such vain. The answer she knows, but cannot face. She doesn’t believe her own excuses nor does she believe the ones others make for her. She can’t understand the life of self-deception she has built for herself, especially when it hurts her so badly.

Sometimes she feels she has the inner resources to combat her self-inflicted pain. Sometimes she just wishes she could collapse into the arms of someone more forgiving with the support she craves so much; most of the time though she hides from the truth. Hiding from the truth is a very consuming past time for Possibility Girl. It has involved her building a life based on falsehood and expending all of her energy defending it; sometimes to others, but mostly to herself. It’s possibly the most counterintuitive and irrational way to lead one’s life, but Possibility Girl manages to pull it off, not very well mind you, but she pulls it off. This confuses Possibility Girl terribly. How could one successfully stray so far from their intended path? How could one let such a thing happen? Where does it start and when does it end? In the dark of the night as others sleep she lays awake and asks herself,

“Self, what do you do when you know exactly what you need to do and yet fail to summon the strength to do it?

“You wait. And you wait some more.”

“But then what happens?”

“Well you just keep waiting and hope that circumstances somehow change in your favor so that they become resolved. So that you can become resolved.”

“But they don’t become resolved, do they?”

“They may. They may not”

“Well surely you can’t just keep waiting forever.”

“That remains to be seen.”

“So what you’re saying is it’s possible for someone to wait out their whole lives to be freed of their internal consistencies, but then never actually find this inner peace?”

“It’s possible. It’s more likely they’ll just waste a good chunk of their life though.”

“Well I don’t know if I’m okay with that.”

“Then maybe you should stop waiting.”

“But I’m afraid.”

“What are you afraid of?”

“I’m just afraid. No one said fear had to be rooted in anything.”

“It usually isn’t rooted in much to be honest.”

“I don’t know what else to say. All I know is that I'm afraid.”

“You don’t have to be. “

“I want nothing more than to just let go of it all. Let go of my fears. Let go of my insecurities. Let go of my ego. Let go of my expectations. Let everything go. My heart is so heavy. I don’t know if I can last much longer. This isn’t me. This is not who I am.”

“Then you must do something.”

“I wish I could, but I can’t and I don’t. Tomorrow I am going to wake up. I’m going to keep pretending everything is okay. I will tell people I’m doing well, even though I am far from well. All I can think about is the gap between the life I have, and the life I dream of and how little I do to merge the two. Boulevard of broken dreams. That is what they’ll call me. That is how I’ll be remembered. I’ll forever be Possibility Girl who sat on the edge of her Potential Glory and wasted away in self-inflicted torment because she allowed the fear of the unknown to consume her.”

“Is this another one of those lies you rot your soul with?”

“I’ve lied to myself so often I don’t even know anymore when I’m doing it. I can’t recognize the real from the fake. It all sounds the same to me now. It all is the same to me now.”

“You have the power to change Possibility Girl. All you have to do is believe and the rest will take care of itself. Just take a deep breath and believe. Believe in your abilities. Believe in yourself. Believe in the good of others. Believe that you have a compelling future awaiting you. Believe that the universe loves you and wants you to succeed so badly it will do everything in its power to help you. And if you can’t believe all that right here right now, believe that someday you will and when that day comes you won’t even notice because everything will have fallen into place. You will have fallen into place.”

But why am I here if the universe loves me so much? How could I let this happen?

There is nowhere else that you could or should be right now Possibility Girl. You are here because this is where you needed to be. Now all you need is to release your will. Have the willingness to change and surrender. Let go of your plans, let go of everything you think you need, and have faith in the life you are about to create.

I’ll do my best, but for now I am stuck here and have very little, if any encouragement that the universe has great things in store for me. No signs, no suggestions, not a single hint of a promising opportunity has crossed my path. It is only my own demise that has led me here to you.

Possibility Girl you need to expect miracles. Stop anticipating pain as you will inflict it on yourself through the very anticipation of it. Instead anticipate your wildest dreams and they wll manifest.

Why can’t you always be this kind to me?

I am. But it’s difficult for you to hear me above Anxiety and Fear. They are much louder than me for I am soft spoken and calm. If you slow yourself down and center yourself, you can be sure I will be here for you with nothing but kindness, because I love you and always will. Just never forget you are precisely where you need to be, at this moment, at this time.

No comments:

Post a Comment