Sunday, February 5, 2012

Weird Things that Turn me On

1.      Withholding Information
Nothing gets me going more than a good ol’ fashioned game of “What the hell are you thinking?”
Please don’t fill me in. I know you’ve been told communication is key to a successful relationship, but not with someone dysfunctional like me. I’d much rather allow my imagination to linger obsessively about your thoughts and feelings and even invent you an entire secret life you couldn’t possibly possess (or could you???).  The withholding of information is especially seductive when done over unreasonably long amounts of time. After I’ve relayed 10 different theories to my committee of insightful friends who enjoy guess work as much as I do, it’s very likely that my infatuation with you will have soared to new heights.  Just consider yourself a dealer and mystery to be the drug you supply me with very generously and cheaply. I’m not a millionaire here. 

2.       Disclosure
This is in direct contradiction with my previous turn on, which can be a little confusing, I know. Stay with me here. If after you’ve been a good boy and refused to let me into your chamber of secrets for a lengthy period of time, and then you suddenly become overwhelmed with the need to reveal deeply intimate things to me, I will in fact lose my mind a little. While I enjoy riddles and puzzles of all kinds, I also have a thing for exploring souls and then making myself comfortably at home in them. I will do anything to connect our hearts, including hooking myself up to an IV and mixing our blood, if that’s really what it takes. Preferably though, I’d just like for you to expose your insides to me over a magical evening of confessions and tea. But only after I’ve completed Volumes I and II on whom you really are.

3.    Compliance
Compliance is a very attractive quality in a man, especially when I need paintings hung on my walls. Sometimes I don’t want a struggle. Sometimes I just want my way and when you let me have my way it feels really good because it made more sense for you to make me happy than make my life more difficult. That’s cool. I like that. When I asked you to call at noon during my lunch break, you said “OK” and then you did, instead of calling me at 4:00 when I’m busy like an asshole. Also, when I asked you to leave the toilet seat down after peeing you took 2 seconds to do that for me instead of initiating a heated discussion on the contradiction inherent in the feminist movement. Thank you. I appreciate it. Now I would like to jump your bones.

4.       Patience and Focus
I don’t understand this whole patience thing. I’ve been told to work on my patience by asking the elderly to share a story with me and to listen without interruption till the very end. Every time I imagine myself taking on this challenge it always ends with a machete magically appearing in my hand and then subsequently my being charged with second degree murder (I became possessed, okay?). If I am able to watch you allow things to unfold without acting impulsively or if I can follow you in completing a drawn-out task from start to finish, I will become bewitched and bewildered. How did you do that? Are those superpowers contagious? Will you make me your muse? Actually, forget that question. Did you hear about what happened on the news? OMG look! A BIRD!!! Wait…is that pie I smell?? What was I saying again? Oh, yes. That’s right –pie.

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